"It's not your partner's job
to be more lovable.
It's your job
to be more loving."
-- Barbara DeAngelis
[Classic post from 12-29-16]
So true, and this short bit of wisdom took me so many years to truly understand. I don't think it was until I began studying the many authors in The Secret, most notably, the Teachings of Abraham beginning in 2007, that I began to accept, and then fully accepting this premise.
My relationships, especially marriage and other romantic relationships, adding in my relationships with those above me in my employment travels, were probably what many call normal: People do what they do and you wish they wouldn't, you want better, you want them to treat you better, give you more respect and appreciation for busting my ass for them and not getting my 'fair share' of the spoils, and the list is so long that I would lament on it just about every day in one way or another, and if not vocally, in my constant mental talk. It's the classic idea that what is wrong is outside of myself, and no matter what I do, I keep getting the short end of the stick. Boo-hoo.
Sure, I tried to make the best of it--don't we all? But, as positive as I tried to be, my inner world was one of massive negativity. I can see it so clearly in looking in the rearview mirror. I was never happy. I was pleasant, respectful (most of the time), and as easy-going as I could muster, but happy? Not really. Joy? What is that?
Of course, what I learned in my studies was that it wasn't them. It wasn't my wife. It wasn't my boss. It wasn't the government. It wasn't anything outside of myself. And, this was the hard revelation: It was ME. As much as I didn't want it to be me, or my fault, or my problem, or my world--too bad. It was. It is. It will always be. Then I was reminded of one of The Eagles songs that I took to heart: Get Over It. And, so I began to let go and find a more effective perspective.
Expecting anyone else regardless of our relationship to be something for me, or to act in a pleasing way to me, or to treat me in a certain way, is something that I now understand is truly pointless. If I want my wife to love me more or show me more love, I have to be the one doing that instead of putting that expectation on her or on my boss, or on any other. I had to learn something I was told way back in the early 1970s: Own your own feelings. Back then I didn't really get that in the way I get it now. And, it took a long journey to get there, but life is all about the journey, right? I learned it. I began living it, and now it is part of me.
I was tested by fire during the last two years of my wife's terminal illness, and I learned more about unconditional love than I ever had. As well, I learned more about patience than I had ever known. I couldn't change her or how she felt, or how she treated me, but I could choose to let go of all of that and just love her, accept her as she was then, appreciate all that had been in the 26 years we were together. I found cracks in my relatively new perspective and strengthened my resolve to let go of what was outside of me, and choose to love, to be at peace, and even to find joy.
If you are anything like I was, expecting much from others, disappointed when they are not as I want them to be, I hope this personal message helps, even if it only opens the tiniest crack to get started. It will change your life for the better, as it has truly healed my own. My perspective is now as if I am looking at the world from space, rather than the cracks in the sidewalk, and I now truly love without condition.
If It Isn't Working, Try A Different Perspective. Life Is Meant To Be Joyful.
Spread Some Joy Today--by releasing your need for others to be anything other than they already are.